Dear ,

There are few things more disheartening and perplexing than seeing our children fail to earn the sorts of grades they’re capable of. For many of us, the natural reaction is to jump into lecture, threat, and punishment mode:

What sort of college do you think you’re going to get into with those grades?

If you don’t start applying yourself, you can forget about going out for soccer.

That’s it! You’re grounded until you bring up those grades!

Sometimes this approach works. Too frequently it doesn’t.

If your child is underachieving, and these types of traditional techniques have not been successful, there’s a good chance that you’ve got a power-struggle on your hands. For many children, their favorite way of gaining the sense of control or freedom they desire is to resist learning and achievement. The more the adults in their lives try to force them into learning, the less they do.

In our DVD Hope for Underachieving Kids we note that there are no quick and simple “fixes” for underachievement. Fortunately, there are long-term solutions. These solutions are possible only if the adults involved are willing to stop trying to control something they never had control over to start with.

No matter how badly we want to, we can’t force kids to learn.

The first step in reaching underachieving kids involves ending the control battle. This starts by saying, “I can’t make you learn…but I can help you learn. You’re the one who needs to decide. I will love you regardless of how easy or how hard you make your own life.”

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

The Love and Logic^® Show
Visit this page to listen to The Love and Logic^® Show with Dr. Charles Fay. New shows are posted regularly and they feature different parenting challenges…and they provide tried and true techniques for taking the exhaustion out of raising respectful and responsible kids. Podcasts are now available.

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©2009 Charles Fay, Ph.D. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for photocopy reproduction and forwarding. Please do not alter or modify contents. For more information, call the Love and Logic^® Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065.